Kimolisa Was Here: December 2009

A Little Something About Love

I read this on one of my favourite blogs to visit, Bunnies Can't Write Blogs and she got it from Very Liberating. It is definitely worth reading for both people in relationships and those who are looking for love. Enjoy!!

I know a lot of people on here feel like love just isn’t meant for them, likes there’s something wrong or weird or just plain unlucky about them and that they’ll never be in a happy relationship. I used to feel exactly like this. I was convinced nobody who I admired enough to love would ever love me. Seriously convinced. But I’ve been in a happy, healthy, loving relationship for the last 6 months that has just been completely awesome in every way and is just getting more awesome. It’s been the best 6 months of my life and I realized the reason lots of people find it so hard to have a good relationship is because they just go about it the wrong way. I’ve found that some aspects of relationships are kind of counter-intuitive. This is what I’ve learned from watching people in shitty relationships, and my own shitty relationships, and what I changed to make a really good relationship, in case anyone is curious.

One thing you have to realize is that NOBODY is completely perfect, and NOBODY is completely perfect for you. I think love is hyped up in this way and leaves people expecting too much out of it… It gives them the idea that when they meet the right person it’s going to be constant bliss and happiness, and if there’s any bumps it means that they just “weren’t meant for each other”. But a relationship, even with someone who’s amazing for you, isn’t going to be easy… it actually takes a lot of effort.

It takes effort to communicate with each other in a respectful manner when you’re upset about something, rather than just giving them the silent treatment or acting snotty towards them. It takes effort to hold your tongue sometimes in arguments and pick your battles, even when you know you’re right. It takes effort to be understanding of the other person when they are having a bad day and just being a jerk. It takes effort to let little things go. It takes effort to accept their bad habits and the fact that you don’t share in some of each others interests or like some of each others friends. And that’s all okay, it’s all normal.

You also have to make a big effort not just to tolerate things about them you might not like, but to make them really happy. Let them know verbally what you like about them all the time. Appreciate them!! When they do something nice for you, even if it’s just a little thing, like buying you lunch or walking you to your door even when it’s cold out, let them know you appreciate it! It will make both of you happier and also make them more likely to do nice things for you in the future. Do nice things for them too, randomly and frequently. Not big things necessarily, just pick up their favorite chocolate bar next time you’re at the store or write them a cute little note to stick in their bag. Text messages that boost their self-esteem and make them feel good about themselves. I don’t think people do this for each other enough. Things that take a small amount of effort but will let them know you’re thinking of them and like they’re worth something and important to you. This is actually good advice for everyone in your life, not just somebody you’re in a relationship with. When somebody does this for you, doesn’t it make your day? Make that feeling happen more for those you care about. People will associate you with good feelings, and that doesn’t hurt!

Be open to their interests. Do things for them you don’t necessarily want to do, like learning to cook their favorite gross meal for them, or helping them live out a weird sexual fantasy (if you feel comfortable of course), or learning about something you find super boring but they are really interested in so you can talk to them about it. Everybody would love somebody who will do things like that for them… and if they are worth it, they will return the favour for you.

Another really big thing is to know where to draw the line. People aren’t used to being treated this way, but by doing it you teach them how to treat you as well and they will follow suit. A lot of the time, they will realize what you’re doing for them and make an attempt to treat you the same way, if you mean something to them. But Some people just will not appreciate it, ever, and they’ll take advantage of it, and you have to be able to recognize when this is happening and end it with them, no matter how hard it might be for you. This is probably the most important part of all, because so many people waste so much time in one sided shitty relationships like this. You BOTH have to be able to respect each other, be willing to communicate with each other, and feel the desire to make each other happy. SO IMPORTANT.

I guess my point with all this is, good relationships don’t just happen, they happen because people are determined to cultivate the potential they have. It’s a lot less likely that someone is going to fall in love with you because of “who you are” when you pick fights and are jealous and demanding and unreasonable and lazy. When that is who you are (and it’s how a lot of people are), you’ve got to change who you are, and that’s not being insincere it’s just making yourself into a good person!

I see so many posts on here written by people asking when love will “find” them, like it’s somewhere out there searching for them so it can promptly fall into their lap. It’s not!! It seems like that’s what happens in movies, but that’s why people make movies about that happening, because it’s crazy and not the norm. Most people who have loved each other for a long time found each other because they actively looked for each other, and made an effort to hold on to each other once they found each other. You guys can have that too!!